The Little things, Ralphie!!
Oh it is those little things in life, that we love and that make us so damned pissed off all the fucking time. I had just written a brilliant column and when I went to publish it my computer had some damned error and I lost the whole freaking thing. I hate computers, they suck, like women, they are always out to get me!!! That just absolutely set me off on a profanity laced tirade that Clark W. Griswold would be proud of. I had just written a beautful crafted piece of material thanking all of you for suggestions and letting you know I was working hard on most of them. Then told you about my favorite stand up comedians and some funny jokes from them, and now it is all ruined. Well fuck it!!!
I was driving home this evening, on the "Interstate" (as they like to call it down south), and was cruising along in the right hand lane of a 3 lane road at a solid 62 mph's in a 55 zone when some redneck idiot from behind jerks his car into the shoulder and goes zipping past me holding the finger out of the window at me? What the hell? Had I done something wrong that I did not know about? I immediately looked to my left and notice there was not a car within shouting distance. Clearly he could have stayed within the boundaries of the law and defensive driving and passed me in the center lane. Hummm, what was this redneck doing? I thought, hey maybe I should track this guy down and beat the living dog crap out of him, but then I thought to myself WWJD! That's right What Would Junkyard Dog Do? And of course JYD would continue on his way home, eat some doritos and check out midget porn on the internet. So that is exactly what I did.
Without further interruption, my favorite stand up comedians:
Bill Cosby- Bill Cosby Himself is the tied for the funniest stand up routine ever. I saw him about 2 years ago, he was clean and improvised 60% of his act and I pissed my pants for 2 hours.
Dave Atell- This guy is my hero. He has such a great sense of hatred toward things. He does not pull any punches, and has some great "story told" jokes.
Mitch Hedberg- "I used to be in a death metal band, people either loved us or they hated us.......or they thought we were OK."
Eddie Murphy- Eddie Murphy Delirious is tied for the best stand up routine ever, he was raw energetic and brilliance all rolled into one, then he made Vampire in Brooklyn.
Jay London- "I went for an AIDS test, and my doctor told me to think positive." That is a great joke, and he has millions more were that came from.
Rodney Dangerfield- He is the last of the old stand ups. The guys that really grew up doing this tuff out on the edge. He helped make stand up comedy a true art form.
George Carlin- This guy is way more brilliant than anyone ever on stage. He is the thinking mans comedian, with material that would make a professors head spin. He has always been out on the edge and willing to take a jab at anything, nothing is off limits. "I never fucked a 10, but one night I fucked five 2's."
Lewis Black- I put him on the same plain as Carlin. His material is social commentary as well as comedy. He is way more informative and truthful than any news correspondent we have out there.
Andrew "Dice" Clay- He created and indelable character on the face of american pop culture. He tore the cover off of arenas like no other stand up before or since. He was a rock and roll star on stage.
I Leave you with my 2 favorite stand up jokes of all time, both come from Lewis Black (Martin you were there):
"I was sitting there at the International House of Pancakes, when from behind me a young women at the age of 23 uttered the following, and it was the dumbest thing I had ever heard until Dan Quayle was elected Vice President of the United States, if it weren't for my horse, I would have never spent that year in college. I will repeat that, because it bears repeating..........IF IT WEREN'T FOR MY HORSE, AS IN GIDDY UP GIDDY UP LET'S GO, I WOULD HAVE NEVER SPENT THAT YEAR IN COLLEGE, WHICH IS A DEGREE GRANTING INSTITUTION. Dont!!! Don't, think about that statement for more than 30 seconds, or blood will shoot out your nose."
"Yeah laugh now, You'll see Willard Scott, Willard Scott he smiles so much I don't think he has a central nervous system! You'll see Willard Scott standing on the lawn in front of the Washington Monument dressed in a giant Chipmunk suite, and giant frogs will be bouncing off his head, and he'll say "Giant Frogs, Giant Frogs........What Can I say...uuuuuhhhhhhhh........back to you."
SEE WHY I HATE COMPUTER, NOW IT SHOWED UP
AAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
I was driving home this evening, on the "Interstate" (as they like to call it down south), and was cruising along in the right hand lane of a 3 lane road at a solid 62 mph's in a 55 zone when some redneck idiot from behind jerks his car into the shoulder and goes zipping past me holding the finger out of the window at me? What the hell? Had I done something wrong that I did not know about? I immediately looked to my left and notice there was not a car within shouting distance. Clearly he could have stayed within the boundaries of the law and defensive driving and passed me in the center lane. Hummm, what was this redneck doing? I thought, hey maybe I should track this guy down and beat the living dog crap out of him, but then I thought to myself WWJD! That's right What Would Junkyard Dog Do? And of course JYD would continue on his way home, eat some doritos and check out midget porn on the internet. So that is exactly what I did.
Without further interruption, my favorite stand up comedians:
Bill Cosby- Bill Cosby Himself is the tied for the funniest stand up routine ever. I saw him about 2 years ago, he was clean and improvised 60% of his act and I pissed my pants for 2 hours.
Dave Atell- This guy is my hero. He has such a great sense of hatred toward things. He does not pull any punches, and has some great "story told" jokes.
Mitch Hedberg- "I used to be in a death metal band, people either loved us or they hated us.......or they thought we were OK."
Eddie Murphy- Eddie Murphy Delirious is tied for the best stand up routine ever, he was raw energetic and brilliance all rolled into one, then he made Vampire in Brooklyn.
Jay London- "I went for an AIDS test, and my doctor told me to think positive." That is a great joke, and he has millions more were that came from.
Rodney Dangerfield- He is the last of the old stand ups. The guys that really grew up doing this tuff out on the edge. He helped make stand up comedy a true art form.
George Carlin- This guy is way more brilliant than anyone ever on stage. He is the thinking mans comedian, with material that would make a professors head spin. He has always been out on the edge and willing to take a jab at anything, nothing is off limits. "I never fucked a 10, but one night I fucked five 2's."
Lewis Black- I put him on the same plain as Carlin. His material is social commentary as well as comedy. He is way more informative and truthful than any news correspondent we have out there.
Andrew "Dice" Clay- He created and indelable character on the face of american pop culture. He tore the cover off of arenas like no other stand up before or since. He was a rock and roll star on stage.
I Leave you with my 2 favorite stand up jokes of all time, both come from Lewis Black (Martin you were there):
"I was sitting there at the International House of Pancakes, when from behind me a young women at the age of 23 uttered the following, and it was the dumbest thing I had ever heard until Dan Quayle was elected Vice President of the United States, if it weren't for my horse, I would have never spent that year in college. I will repeat that, because it bears repeating..........IF IT WEREN'T FOR MY HORSE, AS IN GIDDY UP GIDDY UP LET'S GO, I WOULD HAVE NEVER SPENT THAT YEAR IN COLLEGE, WHICH IS A DEGREE GRANTING INSTITUTION. Dont!!! Don't, think about that statement for more than 30 seconds, or blood will shoot out your nose."
"Yeah laugh now, You'll see Willard Scott, Willard Scott he smiles so much I don't think he has a central nervous system! You'll see Willard Scott standing on the lawn in front of the Washington Monument dressed in a giant Chipmunk suite, and giant frogs will be bouncing off his head, and he'll say "Giant Frogs, Giant Frogs........What Can I say...uuuuuhhhhhhhh........back to you."
SEE WHY I HATE COMPUTER, NOW IT SHOWED UP
AAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
1 Comments:
That was a good list of comedians but you seem to have forgotten Steven Wright, Robin Williams, Dennis Leary, and the great Sam Kineson(sp?).
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