The Daily Nooner 2/13

There's only two things I do well, sweetheart, and skating's the other one

Now I am not going to really pretend to know a lot about figure skating, nor that I care much for the Winter Olympics. However, this Michelle Kwan chick is a fucking joke. Basically she bullied the USCOC and the Figure Skating Board (what do you have to do to get on that thing) into putting her on the team so that she could try and win an Olympic Gold. The only thing she could have done worse was faked a Nancy Kerrigan like beating and cried her way onto the team. Hey Michelle what about the other eight Olympics you had a chance to win gold in? Enough, it is time for other more deserving people, like her replacement Emily Hughes. Hughes, from everything I read, is way more deserving and about 5 times the skater Michelle Kwan is at this point. Now all Kwan did was hinder Hughes chances to medal in these games. Thanks for playing Michelle, time to disappear from out national consciousness just like Peggy Fleming, Dick Button, Dorothy Hamill, and Tara Lapinski.

Once a Raider, always a Raider

Hey, welcome back Art Shell. What exactly did this guy do to not deserve another Head Coaching job in the last 12 years? Heck, even the Raiders should have hired him back sooner. His worst season with the Raiders was in 1994 where he went 7-9. In 11 seasons without Davis the Raiders have won less than 7 games 5 times. And Shell couldn’t get another job with the Raiders, or anyone else? Ahh, that’s right, Art Shell is black, I forgot. Lord knows we needed to give white guys like Joe Bugle, Dave Wannstedt, Rich Kotite, and Bruce Coslet a second chance before we could have a black guy get a second chance. The combined winning percentage of those 4 clowns in their first head coaching stop is .423, in 18 seasons worth of football. But they immediately got other head coaching opportunities. So let’s not pretend that race isn’t a huge issue when it comes to the hiring of coach’s in sports like pro football and college football.

Tap my cell, and the phone in the basement

We briefly explored the topic of the “Cell Phone Era” and how it has actually made it more difficult for people to make plans. When in the past, you would just say, “hey we are all meeting at The Wigwam Tavern at 9,” and then everyone would just show up. Well now we love to be mobile and fluid and change our plans 700 times in any given night. But also, if things change or if you are looking for someone you simply call them on the phone and alert them to what is happening. Not a hard concept. Except, I always seem to know people who struggle with this, but then they give you the line, “where the heck were you last night?” Hummm, me, I was right here. Where? Here, it is a simple place, it is the space on earth that my body occupied last night, well for part of the night it was over there, but then I came here. This happened to me Friday evening. I am a strange duck and have been known to disappear at times, which makes it all the more logical that one would call me and leave me a message and let me know what is going on. So on the eve of Friday I decided to go see some movies, by myself of course, the only way to truly enjoy a movie. Well when I left the theatre around 12:30 I noticed that not single person had called or sent a text message, figuring they either weren’t doing anything or then didn’t want me there I went home and passed out. Well the next day I get the inevitable, “where the heck were you last night” or the “are you gonna hang out with us tonight?” I simply said you could have called me and let me know what was up and I would have gladly stopped by. Well one guy insisted that he called me and another insisted that he sent me a text message. Well in the “Cell Phone Era” that is easily traceable and looking at their phones it turns out both of them were lying, although one guy did try and send me a text message but it did not go through. Of course the circular argument of who could have called who began, one I personally love, because I have the great equalizing answer. They said I could have called them too, of course which is true, but then again I knew where I was and I was not looking for them, they were looking for me. Yeah, I know it is stupid and trite but I just hate when people say dumb things like that. “Where were you?” Most of the time I am home sitting on my couch, not hard to find me.

You’re gonna need a bigger boat

The man who penned the spine chilling novel “Jaws” passed away yesterday, Peter Benchley was 65. In 1974 his novel “Jaws” was a bestseller and soon optioned as a movie. With very little support and a relatively unknown director named Steven Spielberg the movie version of Benchley’s novel helped create the modern summer “blockbuster” movie craze. Though some of his other novels were also bought by Hollywood none would ever create the same buzz and suspense of “Jaws.”