The Same load of Crap

Yes, yes folks the New Year is upon us, and who gives a shit. We had a nice holiday break here at the offices of The Wisdom and we are primed and ready for the new and exciting things coming the next few months. However, today we have decided to go in a different direction and delve a little into my personal life. This is not a subject that I breech often, and yet Festivus has passed us by I still have some grievances to air.

What is it that I did to not understand the female species? Did I miss a meeting somewhere? Did I not get a fax? Why are they so fucking crazy? Do they take classes on this shit? Did I do something to woman to deserve this shabby treatment? These are all questions that I have wrestled with over the last few weeks, and more importantly the last few hours. Maybe I am one of those idiotic people who seems to be spinning in infinity searching for a connection that does not exist, a ship lost at sea. Hopefully a Tsunami will come by and fucking drown me.

To Quote Inigo Montoya: “Let me ‘splain……. No, there is too much, let me sum up.” There I a female whom I am close with, we have been friends for about 4 months now. More recently (starting in November) business began to pickup (RIP Gorilla Monsoon). We began talking a lot on the phone and spending time together and even going on a few “dates”. It seems as if things are going well, then she had some time off from work so she went home to Virginia to see her family. This was for about the last 3 weeks of December, now I decided to just play things out while she was away. But she put on an offensive attack, calling me, IM’ing, and texting all the time. So, in kind, I responded and we began this routine of talking everyday. So much so that I began to actually get in trouble (by a woman who I am not “dating” in any form) if I did not contact her each night before I went to sleep. It has been come so commonplace that my friends actually belittle me and say “Oh there he goes, he has to go check in.” What is this bullshit, but I bring it upon myself I guess. So that is where things are, the summary of our dance right now, which brings me to the ever popular New Years Eve.

Now most of you know my hatred for all these fucking made up holidays and “excuses” to party. Like Colin Cowherd says on ESPN Radio all the time: “Fantasy geeks argue over the bill, gamblers pick up the tab.” Well parties get drunk whenever they want; weekend warriors need “holidays” to get drunk, then they do not have to go sit in their cubicle the next day, yuppie pussies!!!!

Anyway, most New Years I like to spend on the comfort of my solitude listening to some righteous music and/or reading and just basically collecting my thoughts. However, this night I was duped into going out with some friends. Overall it was the same as going out on every other night I guess, except people had stupid hats on. Having talked to this female earlier in the evening she said she was not going out, but at about 10:30 she sent me a message saying she was going to be at a certain bar by 11:30, and asked me to be there with her, so I obliged. Unfortunately, I got there a few minutes passed midnight which I could’ve cared less about.

Now keep in mind we have not seen each other in about three weeks, well when I do see her I go to give her a hug and she tried in vein to avoid it like I had fucking leprosy. That almost sent me into a rage of hurling bar stools. Then moments later two of the people I was there with came over and she about humped them like Jenna Jameson humped that ball in “The Blue Movie.” Again, I was able to find a way to control the raging spirit that dwelled within me (Ode to the Incredible Hulk). But then as the moments went by I tried to engage in conversation with her, which I presumed she wanted me to, having asked that I come meet her there. Well I have had better conversations with a lamp post, so I just turned and walked out of the bar. Honestly, I think she may have been speaking as I did that, which may be why she hasn’t spoken to me since. So again, I do bring most of this upon myself; two wrongs in any case do not make a right. I hope a tic gets stuck to her leg and gives her lime disease, I really do.

Since that evening I have decided to come up with my first New Years resolution ever.

Fuck you. Yeah, you, right there. And fuck you, and you, and you. And tell the guy who works in the cubicle, fuck him too and the horse he rode in on. Lastly, if you think I am not talking about you, well then fuck you even harder.

The way I see it, I can keep that New Years resolution. So many times you here of people not being able to stick to there resolutions, well I am positive I can stick to this one.