The Weekend Wrap
Things we learned:
- Big George Steinbrenner right now can’t get a winner in anything. His horse, which was a huge favorite in the horsy race, finished a highly disappointing seventh. Money can’t bye everything, remember that kids!!
- Apparently Jennifer Garner is 3 months pregnant with Ben Affleck’s baby. Congrats Ben, your boys can swim. The tabloids are going to have a blast with this one. Really, I could care less, but I happened to be watching an SNL rerun on E! And all of a sudden they broke into the program with this “breaking news” that Garner had a bun in the oven. I was disappointed, when they say breaking news I want to hear something cool, like Charlie Sheen has been on a four day Cocaine and hooker binge, or someone has decided to blow up the Viper Room with stars such as Vin Diesel, Colin Farrell, and Christina Aguilera inside of it.
- Every NBA playoff game is now going to be a blowout. This just in, when you have Shaq or Tim Duncan chances are you are going to win the game by a whole bunch of points. Seven games series seem to reveal the better team more often than not, which is what we are getting in this years playoffs.
Things I liked:
- VH1 always redeems itself with some quality programming. This weekend they were running a new episode of a series of theirs called “When Jerry Springer Ruled the World.” It is s show that covers pop phenomenons and when they were big in the world. It showed a lot about the Springer show that people did not know, and how intelligent Mr. Springer actually is.
- The opening sequence of this week’s Family Guy was the best 2 minutes in the history of television. I was on the ground in tears. Again I was slightly disappointed with the lack of secondary characters like Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe Swanson. Again I thought American Dad showed some potential, it is slow at some points, but I am willing to give it time, no different than Futurama, which is no Simpsons but it is damned funny. Plus the line of the month was on American Dad, when the one kid said “my sister was horribly burned in an accident, only her taint survived.” That is fucking funny.
Things I Disliked:
- I found out this weekend that Tuesday is Confederate Memorial day. Not that that isn’t bad enough, these clowns around here actually give a fair amount of state employees off for this “holiday.”
- So many things about this damned horse race.
First of all Trainer Nick Zito had five horses competing in the race. Huh, how is that again? Seriously folks, that is like saying Mel Stottelmyre is the Pitching Coach for the Yankees and the Brewers. Or you know what, I want to be the Defensive Backs coach for the Patriots but also coordinate the Defense for the Seahawks. How could this guy honestly make a commitment to an owner? He is not the only guy; some other trainer had three horses. This stuff also smack of conspiracy, which brings me to my next point.
Basically this other trainer colluded with some owners to try and run the Derby favorite out of the race in the first half mile. They paid to enter a horse who breaks super fast from the gate because they knew Bellamy Road would try and run with the other horse and get tired. They talked about this on NBC before the race, and said it was all legal and part of the strategy, basically that is cheating, much like doing Steroids in baseball, but they are horses and we love all of them. Which again, leads me to the next point.
Can all these ridiculous horse people stop talking about these animals as if they were humans? All you here about is how this horse has such a great personality and a competitive desire, and such a huge heart. This is false, these animals have no concept of such things, they have a brain the size of my fingernail. They have no powers of cognitive reasoning; they do not understand what is going on. These animals understand 2 things, feed me and give me some pussy, that’s it that’s the list!!!
Why do the trainers have to walk all the way with the horses down a muddy dirty track in their nice suites to the paddock where the horses get saddled? What is worse is these damn guys are basically sprinting to keep up with the horses and NBC insists on interviewing these guys on the move. These interviews are brutal, the guy is usually panting during the interview and the reporter can usually barely keep up. How about go down to the paddock and wait on the damned horses. While you do let some asswipe from NBC interview you.
Damn the Kentucky Derby!!!!!
DID YOU KNOW OF THE WEEK?
A new study is out revealing the most popular baby names of 2004. Some boys names are still holding on, like William, Joseph, Michael, and Mathew, but it seems Ethan and Jacob are closing fast. On the girl’s side, it is up for grabs; Emma, Madison, Olivia, Hannah, Abigail, and Isabella have taken over the world. The only traditional name left on the girls list would be Elizabeth. These names are getting out of control.
And one other thing, gentlemen we have lost another one. Martin A. Kester has decided it is time for him to become one of them, that’s right, a Husband!!!! What a dreadful word, but if that is what Martin wants, that is what Martin gets. Married guys who read this sight, feel free to give him warning, I mean advice now.
- Big George Steinbrenner right now can’t get a winner in anything. His horse, which was a huge favorite in the horsy race, finished a highly disappointing seventh. Money can’t bye everything, remember that kids!!
- Apparently Jennifer Garner is 3 months pregnant with Ben Affleck’s baby. Congrats Ben, your boys can swim. The tabloids are going to have a blast with this one. Really, I could care less, but I happened to be watching an SNL rerun on E! And all of a sudden they broke into the program with this “breaking news” that Garner had a bun in the oven. I was disappointed, when they say breaking news I want to hear something cool, like Charlie Sheen has been on a four day Cocaine and hooker binge, or someone has decided to blow up the Viper Room with stars such as Vin Diesel, Colin Farrell, and Christina Aguilera inside of it.
- Every NBA playoff game is now going to be a blowout. This just in, when you have Shaq or Tim Duncan chances are you are going to win the game by a whole bunch of points. Seven games series seem to reveal the better team more often than not, which is what we are getting in this years playoffs.
Things I liked:
- VH1 always redeems itself with some quality programming. This weekend they were running a new episode of a series of theirs called “When Jerry Springer Ruled the World.” It is s show that covers pop phenomenons and when they were big in the world. It showed a lot about the Springer show that people did not know, and how intelligent Mr. Springer actually is.
- The opening sequence of this week’s Family Guy was the best 2 minutes in the history of television. I was on the ground in tears. Again I was slightly disappointed with the lack of secondary characters like Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe Swanson. Again I thought American Dad showed some potential, it is slow at some points, but I am willing to give it time, no different than Futurama, which is no Simpsons but it is damned funny. Plus the line of the month was on American Dad, when the one kid said “my sister was horribly burned in an accident, only her taint survived.” That is fucking funny.
Things I Disliked:
- I found out this weekend that Tuesday is Confederate Memorial day. Not that that isn’t bad enough, these clowns around here actually give a fair amount of state employees off for this “holiday.”
- So many things about this damned horse race.
First of all Trainer Nick Zito had five horses competing in the race. Huh, how is that again? Seriously folks, that is like saying Mel Stottelmyre is the Pitching Coach for the Yankees and the Brewers. Or you know what, I want to be the Defensive Backs coach for the Patriots but also coordinate the Defense for the Seahawks. How could this guy honestly make a commitment to an owner? He is not the only guy; some other trainer had three horses. This stuff also smack of conspiracy, which brings me to my next point.
Basically this other trainer colluded with some owners to try and run the Derby favorite out of the race in the first half mile. They paid to enter a horse who breaks super fast from the gate because they knew Bellamy Road would try and run with the other horse and get tired. They talked about this on NBC before the race, and said it was all legal and part of the strategy, basically that is cheating, much like doing Steroids in baseball, but they are horses and we love all of them. Which again, leads me to the next point.
Can all these ridiculous horse people stop talking about these animals as if they were humans? All you here about is how this horse has such a great personality and a competitive desire, and such a huge heart. This is false, these animals have no concept of such things, they have a brain the size of my fingernail. They have no powers of cognitive reasoning; they do not understand what is going on. These animals understand 2 things, feed me and give me some pussy, that’s it that’s the list!!!
Why do the trainers have to walk all the way with the horses down a muddy dirty track in their nice suites to the paddock where the horses get saddled? What is worse is these damn guys are basically sprinting to keep up with the horses and NBC insists on interviewing these guys on the move. These interviews are brutal, the guy is usually panting during the interview and the reporter can usually barely keep up. How about go down to the paddock and wait on the damned horses. While you do let some asswipe from NBC interview you.
Damn the Kentucky Derby!!!!!
DID YOU KNOW OF THE WEEK?
A new study is out revealing the most popular baby names of 2004. Some boys names are still holding on, like William, Joseph, Michael, and Mathew, but it seems Ethan and Jacob are closing fast. On the girl’s side, it is up for grabs; Emma, Madison, Olivia, Hannah, Abigail, and Isabella have taken over the world. The only traditional name left on the girls list would be Elizabeth. These names are getting out of control.
And one other thing, gentlemen we have lost another one. Martin A. Kester has decided it is time for him to become one of them, that’s right, a Husband!!!! What a dreadful word, but if that is what Martin wants, that is what Martin gets. Married guys who read this sight, feel free to give him warning, I mean advice now.
2 Comments:
First off, I guess the whites in the North had it right when they called it a Union. here in the great state of Mississippi, we had our "Confederate Memorial Day" on April 25 and the fucking banks, post offices and even some schools WERE FUCKING CLOSED!!!!
I could have swore the North won the war, but with the amount of Rebel flags either attatched to someone's car, worn as a quilt on a small child or waved proudly at any Nascar event in the nation, maybe we're all wrong and like they say down here - The South will rise again.
I usually say that to my girlfriend after I last about 15 seconds, but right before I pass out into an unwakeable sleep.
Horses do have big hearts, Kris. Don't you remember that scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom? what did you think they were eating, Monkey Brains?
Why would they eat monkeys, they're so much like humans, the PETA people would have lost their mind.
the Kentucky Derby is just another reminder that the passions of old rich white men will always dominate our television culture so long as the old rich white men have money. The only things of color at any of those events are the immigent workers they get to ride those horses and the brothers picking up the clumps of shit...
I think it's funny that everyone that reads this likes to bash the Simpsons, but yet we all still watch. This isn't a dirty little pleasure, like Kris sneaking peeks of "Queer as Folk" thru the blackout lines, it's that we all still respect the fact that for over a decade, The Thompsons (think Sideshow Bob episode with FBI witness protection) has been one of, if not the funniest 1/2 hour on television. Period and that's the list.
yes, it's fallen on hard times, but so has every show that runs on for what feels like forever. Remember how many horribly average episodes of the Cosby Show there were in the last years...
Anyone who gets on this site, just remember that at the reunion, I'm a zoologist that works at the Jackson, MS public zoo and that's the truth...
Wait a sec, that's for another column. Janet Cuy OUT
Isn't Martin the Lord of the Dance??? Well dance your little tushy out of this fucking arrangement you made fella!!!
Trust me it sounds more appealing then it really is, and it doesn't even sound all that appealing to being with.
Boom Boom OUT!
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