Fuck Hollywood
I was looking through some past posts on my websites and I realized how much the readers enjoyed my review of movies. I then was wondering what was the last new movie I saw, and I couldn’t remember. In fact, it was sometime in February, during Oscar season. Then I was looking at one of my favorite websites (www.IMDB.com) and seeing if there have been any movies that I have missed. And you know what, no there are no movies I have missed.
Here is what is hot at the box office: Guess Who, Kings Ransom, Sahara, Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy, Gong Fu, A lot like Love, Fever Pitch, seriously folks this is the best we could come up with. These movies star such superb actors as Ashton Kutcher, Matthew McGonehay, Anthony Anderson, Drew Barrymore, Jimmy Fallon, and some midget from the Leprechaun movies. So I decided to see what was going to be coming out a little later this month.
Here again is a list, with a synopsis and stars:
Kingdom of Heaven: Orlando Bloom fights a whole bunch of people in a crusades period piece, as Ridley Scott tries to re-capitalize on Gladiator, Braveheart, Troy et. al.
House of Wax: Starring Paris Hilton, Elisha Cuthbert, Chad Michael Murray? (who?, I hate three named actors). About some college students whose car breaks down and they get scared in a museum or something. The writer of this movie got his start penning Baywatch episodes; boy can’t wait for this one.
Crash: About the 80th movie with this name. Again, some tragic event brings a group of strangers together and weird stuff happens, never seen this movie before. And it also has the three words that make me run from the theatre: STARRING, SANDRA BULLOCK. Also has Matt Dillon, Don Cheadle, Bendan Fraser, and the great Ludacris. Unfortunately it was written by the very talented Paul Haggis.
Monster in Law: Typical my parents don’t like my new boyfriend crap. Starring, and this may make you throw up, Jennifer Lopez, Michael Vartan (the dude from Alias who Jennifer Garner broke up with to date Affleck), Jane Fonda, and Wanda Sykes.
Kicking & Screaming: Will Ferrell’s new effort about a bumbling father coaching a youth soccer team. Again, Ferrell’s two starring roles were Elf and Anchorman, both horrific movies. He is better as the comic relief and not the star. (I.e. Old School, Austin Powers, and Jay & Silent Bob).
xXx: State of the Union: The first one was such a run away success; they have decided to change stars. And in an unbelievable quirk they were able to downgrade from Vin Diesel to Ice Cube.
And to top it all off, black people have decided to ruin the greatest television shows of all time by making a movie out of The Honeymooners. Cedric the Entertainer and Mike Epps have been tabbed to play Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton. Are you fucking kidding me? Hey, I think Cedric is a funny mother fucker, I love his stand up, but he is no Jackie Gleason. And Mike Epps as Ed Norton, replacing the incredible talented and gifted Art Carney. Mike Epps, Mike fucking Epps. Art Carney is one of the great actors ever, and made a character that is one of the most indelible in the history of television and /or cinema. And some ass in Hollywood green lighted a project where they were going to let some no talent ass clown like Mike Epps play Ed Norton. I am going to be sick
On the brighter side I am very excited for Star Wars and Cinderella Man. Otherwise, it seems as if this summer is very light on the entertainment side,
Here is what is hot at the box office: Guess Who, Kings Ransom, Sahara, Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy, Gong Fu, A lot like Love, Fever Pitch, seriously folks this is the best we could come up with. These movies star such superb actors as Ashton Kutcher, Matthew McGonehay, Anthony Anderson, Drew Barrymore, Jimmy Fallon, and some midget from the Leprechaun movies. So I decided to see what was going to be coming out a little later this month.
Here again is a list, with a synopsis and stars:
Kingdom of Heaven: Orlando Bloom fights a whole bunch of people in a crusades period piece, as Ridley Scott tries to re-capitalize on Gladiator, Braveheart, Troy et. al.
House of Wax: Starring Paris Hilton, Elisha Cuthbert, Chad Michael Murray? (who?, I hate three named actors). About some college students whose car breaks down and they get scared in a museum or something. The writer of this movie got his start penning Baywatch episodes; boy can’t wait for this one.
Crash: About the 80th movie with this name. Again, some tragic event brings a group of strangers together and weird stuff happens, never seen this movie before. And it also has the three words that make me run from the theatre: STARRING, SANDRA BULLOCK. Also has Matt Dillon, Don Cheadle, Bendan Fraser, and the great Ludacris. Unfortunately it was written by the very talented Paul Haggis.
Monster in Law: Typical my parents don’t like my new boyfriend crap. Starring, and this may make you throw up, Jennifer Lopez, Michael Vartan (the dude from Alias who Jennifer Garner broke up with to date Affleck), Jane Fonda, and Wanda Sykes.
Kicking & Screaming: Will Ferrell’s new effort about a bumbling father coaching a youth soccer team. Again, Ferrell’s two starring roles were Elf and Anchorman, both horrific movies. He is better as the comic relief and not the star. (I.e. Old School, Austin Powers, and Jay & Silent Bob).
xXx: State of the Union: The first one was such a run away success; they have decided to change stars. And in an unbelievable quirk they were able to downgrade from Vin Diesel to Ice Cube.
And to top it all off, black people have decided to ruin the greatest television shows of all time by making a movie out of The Honeymooners. Cedric the Entertainer and Mike Epps have been tabbed to play Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton. Are you fucking kidding me? Hey, I think Cedric is a funny mother fucker, I love his stand up, but he is no Jackie Gleason. And Mike Epps as Ed Norton, replacing the incredible talented and gifted Art Carney. Mike Epps, Mike fucking Epps. Art Carney is one of the great actors ever, and made a character that is one of the most indelible in the history of television and /or cinema. And some ass in Hollywood green lighted a project where they were going to let some no talent ass clown like Mike Epps play Ed Norton. I am going to be sick
On the brighter side I am very excited for Star Wars and Cinderella Man. Otherwise, it seems as if this summer is very light on the entertainment side,
4 Comments:
imperial wizard
i love to hear you say no talent ass clown, it always makes me laugh.....so why dont u do a HUGE blog on the top 5 no talent ass clowns from the major sports (NBA, NFL, MLB, etc and college coaches, or players too, ur call) and the entertainment business...just givin u some bloggin possibilities since u say no talent ass clown on about everyone of your posts and i never get tired of hearing it
Hey Elisha Cuthbert has vaulted to the top of the list of hot chicks I want to bang. Have you seen her in Girl Next Door?? She'd be #1 if it wasn't for Jennifer Love Hewitt's boobs!!!
Seriously though, you need more porn!!!
I was going to come to the defense of Mike Epps, but then I realized two things.
A. None of you have seen Mike Epps do stand up, otherwise you would realize that just like every other extremely funny comic, he has been pushed into doing something he's not necessarily built for.
It's like asking the best chef in the world if he can farm.
RIP Mitch Hedberg
I would definetly go see a movie about a Jew and a fat white guy...
IF IT WERE A GAY PORN.
Wait a sec, maybe I wouldn't then...
You're right that Hollywood has lost their shit, but the fact that you left out Bewitched in the attack on Will Ferrell's career choices (By the way, he's getting like $10 a picture) was a sad state. Everyone that reads this site knows that The Longest Yard won't be that bad with Sandler as Paul Cru. I mean Burt Reynolds has been on a roll ever since Stripetease.
But I would be absolutely remiss if I allowed you to get away with saying that you're waiting for the next and final Star Wars. You hate all sci-fi films or at least I thought you did.
Frodo Baggins OUT
Obviously you don't know that much about Kris. "Star Wars" might be Sci-fi, but in his book it has one very, very, very redeeming feature. NATALIe PORTMAN. That alone will make up for all the sci-fi crap he would want to bitch about. (BTW, Kris, if you read this, call you borther)
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