Puppy Farts: The Wedding
Ahhh I remember it like it was yesterday, or last week. We all had some laughs, a few tears and even some bloodshed (I wish). Let us begin at the beginning, it all happened one day at the Pet Shop when I bought some turtles……..oh nobody wants to hear that crap. So let’s start at the top of the day, by that I mean when I arrived. Sitting in Rob’s room I received a brilliant phone call from Tom (Dann’s brother in law whom I have never met); he asked me where Dann was and why he woke up with Vaseline all over his ass, what a great line. He then proceeds to come down to the room and start complaining to me and Colin that Dann has stolen his television remote. So I was privileged enough to attend lunch with the Groom and his band of merry men. Thi8s was stupidity waiting to happen. Mainly we talked about the missing remote control, Dann’s DUI, ands some girl named Bubbles, and how we where all going to do her. We realized that when Dann called Mr. Flynn to pick him up from jail that Dann was officially in it with Kellie for good. And also at lunch we got to experience the brilliance of Dann’s father, I mean this guy is special. I have never understood a word this man said.
Then it was back to the hotel to wait for the other wedding patrons to arrive. In this time nothing spectacular happened, except for Rob, Ken, and I sticking up the bathroom in Room 290. Then during some pre party drinking in Michelle Reynolds room she commented on how she wanted to get drunk and pass out, which would be the perfect opportunity for Turd and I to finger cuff her. But we will get to that later. Instead we were all off to the First Church of The Fat Neck to witness the ceremony. First of all Kellie gets some serious dap for writing all about Ken’s blatant homosexuality in the wedding program, I mean the line about shopping and design is spectacular. I was so happy that Tim Hare and I sat in the back of the church not around anybody; I think that was a great move by us. I loved the part of the wedding where Dann sat there and looked totally confused, which was the whole time. My other favorite part was when I caught Dann & Kellie talking about me on the alter. I mean for crimony’s sake this is your wedding day and the best thing Kellie could think to say to Dann was “Look how fat Slipps is.” Not “Hey that tubby bastard came to our engagement party and wedding all the way from South Carolina, what a great dude.” Nope she could only focus on my rotundness, god I love that. Oh and the other thing I hated at the wedding was when the Minister kept talking about the two words (Love & Faith, for those who were not paying attention) that make a successful marriage, I mean this guy would not shut up. Plus I think he missed on the two words, when he said two words can help make a successful marriage I looked at Tim Hare and said ANAL SEX, now that is what can make a good marriage. Anyway I digress, the wedding ended and now we shall hit some high notes from the reception.
-Showers and Billy both had suspenders on, I can only assume that when you have a child the first thing to go from the family budget is a belt.
-I got to meet Matt Hill, this guy kicks some serious ass, he is large and in charge. Him and I should have met a long time ago, we are brothers in fatness. I must also say his girlfriend is mighty fine looking, he must be hung like a circus mouse.
-Who knew Joe & Jess were pregnant. Look out Joe you may soon be losing all your belts.
-What was that whole Polish wedding tradition? I could not have been more confused; I thought this was two Irish freaks getting married. All of sudden people were making lots of noise Dann was wearing a stupid hat; it was like old times again.
-Speaking of Matt Hill’s girls, she had two great moments. One was when she asked us to point out the Gay groomsmen; she had only read Ken’s bio in the wedding program and assumed he liked men. Second was when she got up to go to the bathroom and her plate was hanging off the table, as she got up her huge cans nailed the plate and shook the table like and earthquake.
-Stacey Price’s breasts were as good as advertised, I mean those things are just rockets, I loved pleasuring myself to them in the hotel parking lot…………….I’ve said too much.
-I hated Mr. Belding the DJ, he ruined everything, including my request of Tubthumping for Dann, he loved that song in college.
-Brian Flynn and Ed Price’s toast were both awesome. Ed saying good luck to himself, and Brian making fun of Dann’s ridiculous neck.
-There were 2 mishaps worth mentioning, one was when Turd try to pour a beer, and just poured it all over Showers. Then there was the time I was dancing and Rob’s date got in the way of my fat and I nailed her and spilled her drink all down her dress, Melissa you where there.
-This is a somber note, but I think the no pants picture has worn out its welcome; we need to come up with something different, like a no Turd picture.
-The after part in 290 spawned some greatness; Rob’s throwing of the snacks, Ken trying to force his heterosexuality by commenting to Stacey on how nice her nipples looked, and lastly Whitey drinking enough so that he puked his funny face off at about 3 am. And finally my two best moments came with nobody around, first when Whitey called me on my way home and told me that I had taking one of his shoes. And secondly the realization that in all the fun that day I never went to the store and got a card for Kellie and Dann with some dough in it. So that has actually been mailed out today with my apologies and a little something for the happy fat necked couple.
Now for the awards portion of the program:
MVP: Ed Price, this guy is something else. He laughs at everything, he finds nothing offensive, and you can guarantee that when he is around a good time is bound to be had. He did not have one singular moment; his overall brilliance needs to be experienced on a moment to moment basis.
LVP: Turd, this guy has lost his entire luster. In order for him to be fun anymore he needs to just whip out his wang and start beating people on the dance floor with it.
Newcomer of the Year: Jessica (Matt Hill’s girl) for the reasons mentioned above, plus she was a good sport at our table.
Cool move of the evening: Pete announcing that he would not dance with Katie and that others were cordially invited to do so.
Dumbest thing ever said: Brian Flynn, drunk and stupid at 2:45 in the morning, exclaiming how he hoped Colin was not made because he “Caught the Gertle.” A simply brilliant unintentional funny moment
Then it was back to the hotel to wait for the other wedding patrons to arrive. In this time nothing spectacular happened, except for Rob, Ken, and I sticking up the bathroom in Room 290. Then during some pre party drinking in Michelle Reynolds room she commented on how she wanted to get drunk and pass out, which would be the perfect opportunity for Turd and I to finger cuff her. But we will get to that later. Instead we were all off to the First Church of The Fat Neck to witness the ceremony. First of all Kellie gets some serious dap for writing all about Ken’s blatant homosexuality in the wedding program, I mean the line about shopping and design is spectacular. I was so happy that Tim Hare and I sat in the back of the church not around anybody; I think that was a great move by us. I loved the part of the wedding where Dann sat there and looked totally confused, which was the whole time. My other favorite part was when I caught Dann & Kellie talking about me on the alter. I mean for crimony’s sake this is your wedding day and the best thing Kellie could think to say to Dann was “Look how fat Slipps is.” Not “Hey that tubby bastard came to our engagement party and wedding all the way from South Carolina, what a great dude.” Nope she could only focus on my rotundness, god I love that. Oh and the other thing I hated at the wedding was when the Minister kept talking about the two words (Love & Faith, for those who were not paying attention) that make a successful marriage, I mean this guy would not shut up. Plus I think he missed on the two words, when he said two words can help make a successful marriage I looked at Tim Hare and said ANAL SEX, now that is what can make a good marriage. Anyway I digress, the wedding ended and now we shall hit some high notes from the reception.
-Showers and Billy both had suspenders on, I can only assume that when you have a child the first thing to go from the family budget is a belt.
-I got to meet Matt Hill, this guy kicks some serious ass, he is large and in charge. Him and I should have met a long time ago, we are brothers in fatness. I must also say his girlfriend is mighty fine looking, he must be hung like a circus mouse.
-Who knew Joe & Jess were pregnant. Look out Joe you may soon be losing all your belts.
-What was that whole Polish wedding tradition? I could not have been more confused; I thought this was two Irish freaks getting married. All of sudden people were making lots of noise Dann was wearing a stupid hat; it was like old times again.
-Speaking of Matt Hill’s girls, she had two great moments. One was when she asked us to point out the Gay groomsmen; she had only read Ken’s bio in the wedding program and assumed he liked men. Second was when she got up to go to the bathroom and her plate was hanging off the table, as she got up her huge cans nailed the plate and shook the table like and earthquake.
-Stacey Price’s breasts were as good as advertised, I mean those things are just rockets, I loved pleasuring myself to them in the hotel parking lot…………….I’ve said too much.
-I hated Mr. Belding the DJ, he ruined everything, including my request of Tubthumping for Dann, he loved that song in college.
-Brian Flynn and Ed Price’s toast were both awesome. Ed saying good luck to himself, and Brian making fun of Dann’s ridiculous neck.
-There were 2 mishaps worth mentioning, one was when Turd try to pour a beer, and just poured it all over Showers. Then there was the time I was dancing and Rob’s date got in the way of my fat and I nailed her and spilled her drink all down her dress, Melissa you where there.
-This is a somber note, but I think the no pants picture has worn out its welcome; we need to come up with something different, like a no Turd picture.
-The after part in 290 spawned some greatness; Rob’s throwing of the snacks, Ken trying to force his heterosexuality by commenting to Stacey on how nice her nipples looked, and lastly Whitey drinking enough so that he puked his funny face off at about 3 am. And finally my two best moments came with nobody around, first when Whitey called me on my way home and told me that I had taking one of his shoes. And secondly the realization that in all the fun that day I never went to the store and got a card for Kellie and Dann with some dough in it. So that has actually been mailed out today with my apologies and a little something for the happy fat necked couple.
Now for the awards portion of the program:
MVP: Ed Price, this guy is something else. He laughs at everything, he finds nothing offensive, and you can guarantee that when he is around a good time is bound to be had. He did not have one singular moment; his overall brilliance needs to be experienced on a moment to moment basis.
LVP: Turd, this guy has lost his entire luster. In order for him to be fun anymore he needs to just whip out his wang and start beating people on the dance floor with it.
Newcomer of the Year: Jessica (Matt Hill’s girl) for the reasons mentioned above, plus she was a good sport at our table.
Cool move of the evening: Pete announcing that he would not dance with Katie and that others were cordially invited to do so.
Dumbest thing ever said: Brian Flynn, drunk and stupid at 2:45 in the morning, exclaiming how he hoped Colin was not made because he “Caught the Gertle.” A simply brilliant unintentional funny moment
1 Comments:
Tubby, Sorry I disappointed you. Maybe if you had been drinking I would have been funnier. I guess the only state I can be funny in is Kentucky.
TFish
Post a Comment
<< Home