Lord High Executioner
The election is over and people all over America (including some tree hugging hippie Colorado high school students) are worried about how the entire world is going to fall apart in the next 4 years. Again, I will reiterate that I do not see things as horrifically as everyone else, even my liberal friend and faithful Sergeant at Arms, Dan Filowitz (A Great Jew), once wrote:
Are things perfect here? Of course not. Is there plenty to complain about?
And make fun of? Of course there is. Is there anyplace on Earth you’d be
Better off living? Not a Chance, Jack.
Of course I have not yet spoke to a person about the election who actually voted for George Walker Bush. This is the second election where I have yet to meet someone who will admit voting for him. It is like a Britney Spears of Spice Girls CD, they sell 5 million copies but I never know anyone who has one. In talking to people a huge factor for people not liking Bush his is obvious faith based politics. Now being a person of great faith in the Lord, I am not totally opposed to it. However, there are a few things me and W disagree on (the rest of this is about abortion and my sick & twisted sense of humor, so if you are easily offended or just a fucking pansy, please go away now and never come back).
The President is not in favor of abortion or stem cell research, an obvious faith based right wing conservative view. I, however, believe in a woman’s right to chose, I think. Let me explain that; I am hard pressed to say what I really believe. I just think it is a difficult decision to make and I am glad I am not a woman. I think more women should keep their legs closed and their panties on (if you know what I mean). I will never have to decide on this, because:
I never plan on implanting my seed in any woman
If I do accidentally do that, I will claim she is a fraud and wait Maury proves I am that baby’s daddy
If Maury does prove her right, I will throw that woman off a boat (Scott Peterson knows what I’m talking about).
I have come up with, what I consider a strong plan to deal with women who want to have an abortion. The President should name me “Lord High Executioner.” It boils down to being a difficult job, by I think I am a man of the people and can fulfill the role quite well.
Here is how it works; you want to have an abortion you have to come to Washington, DC and set-up an appointment to see me. Now, I make it a point to keep strict office hours, nobody in the office before 10 am and Pardon The Interruption comes on a 5:30, so I am done at 5. I know this is not a great deal of hours, but I am the man in charge and I am very busy with Playstation 2 and Saved by the Bell re-runs. You come into see me and I take a look at you, if you are ugly that baby is a goner. We have enough people that look more horrific than me; we certainly do not need anymore. If you are under 20 and are unmarried, bam you are done with that pregnancy. We will then have a discussion for a few minutes, about whatever is on my mind. If you fail any of my little quizzes in that conversation, that baby is ooouuuuttttttttttttaaaaaaaaaaaaa HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now the quizzes could be anything: Who were the Axis powers? Why does the Run & Shoot suck? Why is Andrew Zoltan superior to all men? You never know so be on your toes when you come to my office.
Today I throw down the pledge that only baby’s that need to be aborted will be. George Walker Bush I put it to you to hire me as “Lord High Executioner.” I will require a car, a small apartment and about 60 grand a year, all things I know our government can afford.
Are things perfect here? Of course not. Is there plenty to complain about?
And make fun of? Of course there is. Is there anyplace on Earth you’d be
Better off living? Not a Chance, Jack.
Of course I have not yet spoke to a person about the election who actually voted for George Walker Bush. This is the second election where I have yet to meet someone who will admit voting for him. It is like a Britney Spears of Spice Girls CD, they sell 5 million copies but I never know anyone who has one. In talking to people a huge factor for people not liking Bush his is obvious faith based politics. Now being a person of great faith in the Lord, I am not totally opposed to it. However, there are a few things me and W disagree on (the rest of this is about abortion and my sick & twisted sense of humor, so if you are easily offended or just a fucking pansy, please go away now and never come back).
The President is not in favor of abortion or stem cell research, an obvious faith based right wing conservative view. I, however, believe in a woman’s right to chose, I think. Let me explain that; I am hard pressed to say what I really believe. I just think it is a difficult decision to make and I am glad I am not a woman. I think more women should keep their legs closed and their panties on (if you know what I mean). I will never have to decide on this, because:
I never plan on implanting my seed in any woman
If I do accidentally do that, I will claim she is a fraud and wait Maury proves I am that baby’s daddy
If Maury does prove her right, I will throw that woman off a boat (Scott Peterson knows what I’m talking about).
I have come up with, what I consider a strong plan to deal with women who want to have an abortion. The President should name me “Lord High Executioner.” It boils down to being a difficult job, by I think I am a man of the people and can fulfill the role quite well.
Here is how it works; you want to have an abortion you have to come to Washington, DC and set-up an appointment to see me. Now, I make it a point to keep strict office hours, nobody in the office before 10 am and Pardon The Interruption comes on a 5:30, so I am done at 5. I know this is not a great deal of hours, but I am the man in charge and I am very busy with Playstation 2 and Saved by the Bell re-runs. You come into see me and I take a look at you, if you are ugly that baby is a goner. We have enough people that look more horrific than me; we certainly do not need anymore. If you are under 20 and are unmarried, bam you are done with that pregnancy. We will then have a discussion for a few minutes, about whatever is on my mind. If you fail any of my little quizzes in that conversation, that baby is ooouuuuttttttttttttaaaaaaaaaaaaa HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now the quizzes could be anything: Who were the Axis powers? Why does the Run & Shoot suck? Why is Andrew Zoltan superior to all men? You never know so be on your toes when you come to my office.
Today I throw down the pledge that only baby’s that need to be aborted will be. George Walker Bush I put it to you to hire me as “Lord High Executioner.” I will require a car, a small apartment and about 60 grand a year, all things I know our government can afford.
3 Comments:
Josh, you suck big time!!!! I write, what I consider to be some of my best material, and all you can write about is W's politics. Most of that blog had nothing to do with the Prez and his stupidity. I mean there were flat out funny ass jokes in there: The Scott Peterson thing,the comparison to album sales by shitty singers, and just my general willingness to decide what assholes need to be dealt with. You used to like my stuff but your mind has been clouded by listening to too many Al Franken rants on liberal freak radio. So overall you suck, I even put in a reference to The King just for you!!!
Kris-
Came across your blog today. Great site. Very funny election thoughts.
Noticed you were a huge sports fan. Hoping you could add a blogroll link to my college basketball blog, http://collegeball.blogspot.com. I'd very much appreciate a link on your site.
And would gladly return the favor, adding a link from my site to yours.
Thanks!
Yoni Cohen, http://collegeball.blogspot.com
College Basketball Blog
Oh my great, high and mighty Lord of the Dance,
You're right and we're all wrong about you and the funny contained in that fat.
I was laughing like a small girl before the reality of an pro-choice abortion reply sobered me up like seeing naked pictures of Bea Arthur.
See, it's hard to be as fun as you were - the fact that females would have to answer your questions was amusing because it's just hard to keep a girl in front of you, let alone listen to you to answer something coming out of your fat mouth, but I do agree, it's a great position for you if W gets the cross out of his ass and looks to hire.
Oh yeah, can I be your assistant? I'll set up the appointments, with my mistakes getting first service of course, and make sure to start kicking people out at 4:10 p.m. PTI comes on in an hour and 10 minutes is enough time to hit the mythical every hour...
Tommy Chong OUT
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